someone threw a dead crab at me
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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