babies were throwing up all over the place
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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