When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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