I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
