I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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