I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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