The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
