my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
