I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
