Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Did I show you my penis last night?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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