There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
