I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Also, beer. Big fan.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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