eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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