And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
