Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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