I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
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i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
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Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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