I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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