I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
