remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
