next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
