I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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