so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
