so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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