i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
