Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
