You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
