Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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