He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
