from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
It was confusing and full of hummus
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
