im six kinds of drunk right now
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
