Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
