Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
