She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
