it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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