I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Bang-toberfest begins!!
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
