nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
