I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
