I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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