He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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