...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
