Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Your shirt... Was in my pants
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
