Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
