I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
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I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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