Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
i now understand why vodka
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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