12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
