I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
My ATM looks so different sober.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
