Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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