i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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