you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
