Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
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My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
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I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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