cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
