Dude my mom stole all your condoms
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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