I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
