took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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