I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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