As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
