you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
