I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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