Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
