My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
