I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
We have started to decorate penises.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Randomize
