I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
