I checked into jail on foursquare
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
