You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
